caim's bad blog

 my partner bought me a little journal recently. ive tried journalling before with little luck but something about this one feels different. maybe bc the stage of life I'm in rn (recovery from ego death psychotic break). in attempting to get rid of most social media from my life this seems beneficial. and now I have something to blog about :) so far its been enriching. I hope I can keep daily entries for a while. usually I write a few pages and then throw it out and start over. iop is definitely working

 I became exactly what I hated. I don't want to go into it but I lied a lot and exacerbated stuff during my life. I didn't know how bad my psychosis actually was until it was too late. I apologize if anyone who knew me pre medication finds this. I'm sorry I was a husk of a person dictated by my subconscious thoughts. do I deserve to make new friends? I'm not sure. I'm enjoying my time alone rn but I cant deny being lonely. iop is exhausting. I'm also trying to quit all drugs and that's not going well.who even am I? I don't know. I hope i find out soon.